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Road to Perdition

  • Sep. 27th, 2009 at 11:10 PM


When revising for Lit the other time (which involved reading the book again LOL) I came across this line in the Great Gatsby that proved particularly striking:

But it was all going by too fast now for his blurred eyes and he knew that he had lost that part of it, the freshest and the best, forever.


Sometimes I think it's all a facade, an illusion, that I can maintain some state of happiness... even to myself.There have been too many occasions when I've been out and for that small bubble of time, there seemed to be a little pocket of something that I could hold onto and would keep me above the water. Maybe it was irreverence. Then it all comes crashing down and suddenly you're drowning again. Like you just gave and gave and one day you realized that you've given away too much, and all that's left is a void that gnaws at you like some malaise. And then life loses all it's meaning and you feel adrift in an endless sea. What's worse, that the tears won't stop flowing or what will happen the day they finally run dry...?

I really liked the concept of this movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It features Jim Carey and shows two lovers erasing their memories of each other to wash away the torrid turbulence of their relationship. Yet they meet each other by chance once more, and fall for each other again. Of course, the ending, like any good non-chessy Hollywood mold breaker, is sad, which is good because it's more realistic than a Hillary Duff-I-run-across-the-football-field-and-we-share-a-passionate-kiss-under-the-softy-falling-rain type of resolution. I wonder what would happen if I were given the choice to do something like that. Whoever may read this, what would you choose...?

Some dickface said the other time that the feeling of all your broken hopes and dreams mounting over time, followed by the thought of your lost happiness going to someone else would be indescribable. I liken it to something like a pounding waterfall at first and then a slow falling... finishing off with a strange skip and jump or maybe a sudden thud. Anti-climatic. Oh and dickface when you read this, good luck with scaling the candy mountain. Just find a balance between optimism and pessimism. If you fall, you will fall hard, but when you look back on it, you would probably not regret making the trek, maybe. Regardless of how adrift you may feel. And if you reach the top, it would be like finding Verbatim Significum (sorry read too much The Lost Symbol liao). So go after it before it melts.

Lol. Metaphors are fun.

I realized that despite all this shit it will pass eventually la. It may be a long time but nothing lasts forever. Empires may be invincible, and grief piercingly palpable, but time, time is eternal. And what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Amen to that. Time to get wasted tomorrow.

Goodbye Apathy

  • Aug. 22nd, 2009 at 7:02 PM


Sometimes I think sociology is full of bullshit when reading stuff such as Alan Sokal's epic owning of Social Text. "Fortunately post-modernistic sociology remains unconstrained by the linear demands of Aristotelian logic, such as non-contradiction" just made me LOL, though I'm like one of the few to find that statement hilarious.

Other times I think that it does have tremendous use. I mean, it does seem as if human relationships seem to be governed by laws, though they may be relativistically rooted. Take for example like,a guy who gets to know a girl because he starts out with the intent of going after her and whatnot. If she ultimately rejects him often the friendship breaks down and they drift apart and become total strangers after a while because the basis of the friendship was not strong. However, if love for another arises out of a close friendship and not vice-versa, then even after the girl rejects the guy or the other way, while there will be a period of awkwardness and dao-ing ultimately the friendship can be repaired. Although things won't be entirely like the past they can still remain fairly good friends. So I think it's the intent that matters here. The best friendships are the ones that are constructed based on effort from both sides, and it is these that survive the nuclear bomb of a failed confession... with time.

Too bad sometimes there's no time. Like when things are almost back to normal again... it may be too late. And all that will be left are sweet memories and bittersweet regrets.

I also realized there's a fine balance between letting things be and being proactive. I agree with a certain gaybutt that people shouldn't try to force things because it somehow or other exudes the wrong intent and puts others off. So it may be better to let things float rather than go for a fixed exchange rate of interpersonal relations. Floating system allows the market of emotion balance go for auto-correction and allows one to pursue other complimentary policies such as fiscal studying, which shows sick correlation with an improvement in grades, which leads to an improvement in standard of living. Lolol.

However people may sometimes rationalize failing to be proactive as letting things be, and it's difficult to draw a distinction between rationalizing and actually letting things be. If you fail to be proactive at all you may lose opportunities when other people may actually be receptive to you. However, being too proactive can be constituted as forcing things and this puts people off. I guess it's just whether you can sense the other person is receptive or not, and the extent of being proactive. For example, sending an SMS once in a while to chat could be ok. SMS bombing the person every single day is pretty fucked up.

And apparently there also seems to be hidden social laws when it comes to SMSing. For example, the Von Steinenburg Guide to Inter-Gender Texting Communications has the following fine commandments:

1) Thou shalt not text a girl again if she does not reply, for it means she likely doesn't feel like replying for some reason. Texting again pisses the lady off.

2) Thou may put some emoticons into some SMSes, but not always and with great concentration. The lady may then think you are gay.

3) Thou shalt not reply an SMS if too much time has passed. Normally if n minutes is large, presumably 60-80. Some clueless ladies may however, be exempt from this rule and take n as 2-3 days.

4) As an aside, thou should never assume thou's SMS is read promptly because some ladies thoroughly defy convention and leave their phones turned off/ignored. These ladies should also know better because they are GIRLS. Tee hee hee!

Yep yep. I wonder how all this shit comes about/is constructed. Like we all seem to know these rules intuitively without really being told. Maybe I should have done my IS on whether Texting Knowledge is a priori or a posteriori, rather than something fucked up and soporific at the philosophical level, like love.

My mood has been fluctuating a bit lately. Like sometimes when I'm depressed/reminiscent I may be a bit too quiet. Other times I'm incredibly fucked up in a gaybutt way. I find that wandering the aisles of a fine bookstore such as Kino in the bad times does a lot for the emotional palate. Something about the calming influence of all that academia. It makes me feel at peace. So thanks to the fine proprieters of Kino for providing a non-excludable good. Though it's pretty ok now. The worst was a while back anyways.

That said I would like to thank some people for making this shit better when it does hit:

1) Teeheehee gang (includes a certain gaybutt too): For providing company when like studying and shit. Though my studying provides many positive externalities for the people around so it's a mutually beneficial arrangement. Still, the teeheeheeness of the conversation can always be a good distraction.

2) Gay buddies: For making me feel loved and wanted even though I actually like girls only. (Sorry Luke and Willy). Loo I count you even though your crappy British accent can't get shit out of me LOL. And I realize I still haven't paid you for prom so I'll do so on Monday. Hotdog I count you cause I nowhere else to put you. Yep.

3) Gelato: For providing sweet comfort at low-fat cost.

4) My DS: For providing a suitable distraction at home when I don't feel like doing much work. Until I get fucking owned by Lucifer for the 100th time, that is. I think it doesn't work on standby mode now. Is that a side effect of too much banging against the wall?

5) Me: Cause I'm so cool.

6) You: Because even though we can't always talk now, you've always been mostly sweet and understanding and somehow reply SMSes more promptly than me. But sorry cause I'm a guy. And I will never dao your SMS on purpose la (one and only person I don't dao). <3. And you won't read this so whatever. But I still miss talking to you in person and I better have the balls to once the stressful period is over.
 

Ok that's all. If I excluded (whoever)  it's because you're a bitch. Or maybe I just forgot.

Hey There, Stranger

  • Aug. 16th, 2009 at 11:54 PM


The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I certainly wasn't expecting the kind of talk that I had tonight. But I think I managed to get most of what I wanted to say out regardless, which is kind of a relief. It's strange how you can get your hopes dashed and fulfilled at the same time. So... hahaha. I don't really know. Maybe I hadn't fully let go until tonight. To give up hope is an easy thing.To give up regret and longing is another. And the process isn't fully over. From my experience you can never say with certainty that this is ended or whatnot. But that brings up a whole epistemological can of worms.
Short post tonight. I guess all I can say now is:

I'M GOING TO MAKE A START WITH MY BRAND NEW HEART. (plagiarised from some hotdog)

Ok la. Serious. Kind of. Must find rebound now. Actually it wouldn't be a rebound because that period would probably occur during the mourning stages. New target then. But in all seriousness I don't know if I can like someone like that again for a long time. Possibly even during through NS (convenient cause I don't have to hit on my juniors). But that may not be a fair resolution because that sort of intensity of feeling would be like a 9/10 on the 'I love you' scale rather than the 6-7/10 for most relationships. So... whatever. Confusing sia.

So any guys/girls out there? Luke your birthday righttt. I give you late birthday gift soon ok? -winkwink-

Simply Epic

  • Aug. 12th, 2009 at 8:29 PM


Well. Considering that my class, or in particular some people in class are extremely fucked-up it's normal to have epic occurences such as accidentally exploding a cup of bubble tea. But I have to say that in this whole year, the event I'm about to describe is just freaking epic beyond words and takes the cake. Hell, it takes the bakery. Bear in mind that the following events occured on a PUBLIC BUS.

This afternoon, me, Mrs Von Steinenburg, and Rachel Kitty Tng were on a bus heading toward Beauty World. The former two were going for Econs tuition while the latter was along for the ride because she's short  and likes to be around tall people to feel cooler. Or maybe she lives in that area. Anyway, there was this old guy in his sixties maybe sitting on the aisle seats while we were standing diagonally opposite him at the other aisle. He was like, looking at us for a while but we didn't notice at first.

After a fashion he starts saying very loudly in Chinese ''YOU HWA CHONG AH'. So we all look at it him and say politely 'Yep yep' and all that. Then he starts saying 'WHY YOU SO RUDE NEVER CALL ME AH GONG'. The whole bus was looking at us already so we were like 'ah ok ah gong' figuring he's some ex-HCI student trying to guai lan us. Then he goes somethin like 'YA GOOD I AH GONG U ALL HWA CHONG DO US PROUD'. So we figure that's the end of it and he's just like some exceptionally proud ex-student.

Unfortunately after another few seconds of looking at us he asks which one of the other two is my girlfriend and which one I'm going to marry. In that same. Loud. Tone. Then he suggested I marry both of them, before speculating to himself that because polygamy is no longer allowed, I should marry Mrs Von Steinenburg first and if she kicks the bucket I marry Tng. Then he went on to debate to himself how BRIDEWORTHY the two of them are. So today we learned that Mrs Von Steinenburg has a nice rosy complexion, looks exotic and has a nice figure aand that while Tng is small, petite and cute she's too slim and doesn't have childbearing hips.

So at this point we're trying to be polite while thinking of the best way to (1) judiciously ignore him (2) get off the fucking bus ASAP because now even the bus driver is probably listening in. The dude went on to display his chauvinistic tendencies by saying 'MEN NO. 1 WOMEN NO. 2' and telling the two ladies to learn to obey whoever they do get hitched to. So again we politely pretend to agree and then he suggests that if they are 'disobedient' I should 'spank their bottoms'. Tng didn't get it at first so when Claire told her what he said in her teeheehee voice she went fucking squealy and omg.

At this point some HCI and RJ dudes sitting behind us kindly inform us that he does this to like, every teenage group that he sees on this bus and that he tried to hit on one of the RJ girls in the past. As a sidenote the HCI dude is the top in level in Econs so he's one of the fuckers who beat mel. Cheebye. But that's not the point.

So he goes on to address me and say that while I look like a nice decent guy I should learn to control the other two like a good Hwa Chong man. He then repeatedly asks me which one I'm going to marry. Then he starts commenting that Mrs Von Steinenburg is his preference because of aforementioned rosy complexion and whatnot, and mentions this to some poor MGS suckers who have just boarded this bus of shame and craziness. At this point Tng does the most fucking sensible thing and sneaks away to sit with the top in Econs dude because you know, he's cooler and he isn't in the line of fire. The old dude then starts hitting on Mrs Von Steinenburg for the remainder of the trip while telling me to get hitched to her as soon as possible despite me informing him repeatedly that she's already accounted for. At one point he stands up goes up and looks her up and down before hitting on her again and almost looks like he's going to touch her face, which was freaking traumatizing for her at first but fucking lol in hindsight.

Finally we reach our destination after what seems like a fucking eternity and he's still switching between hitting on Mrs Von Steinenburg to telling me that I should be a manly man and discipline all my women sternly and that I should get hitched and fulfil the government's goals of increasing fertility rate. Tng is hiding under her seat I think. Mrs Von Steinenburg and I escape and notice as we get off the bus that he's switching his attention to the poor hapless MGS girls who are unfortunately in his field of vision. We laugh like fuck all the way from the bus stop to Beauty World and then are unable to properly talk for five minutes after that.

Ok my words may not exactly do justice to how fucking epic/hilarious/LOL/traumatizing that was.So just imagine about 10-15 minutes of that, and the old dude saying all that shit in Chinese which somehow makes it worse with about a 500 decibel tone.

 Yep.

Fucking epic.

Mrs Von Steinenburg suggests that we take the same bus again next week for a continuing weekly doese of hilarity and epicness.

So Don't Say Your Goodbyes

  • Aug. 11th, 2009 at 12:09 AM


And every moment of every day, the clock keeps ticking. And winding down. And suddenly what seemed like a pretty damned long time coming is just around the corner, and you're floundering in the inevitability of it all.


I just realized that that describes the process of preparing for Prelims to a T. But that's not what I was really referring to.

Sometimes you only start to really think when the timer's almost at zero. About a year's worth of regrets and fumbles, and sheer, sheer stupidity. I have the wonderful (and gay) gift of woman's intuition, so I can usually figure out what most girls think. So why not you? Or maybe it's that I could read you, just that I refused to.

Most people commit gaffes like that some point in their lives when it comes to stuff like this. But they usually have a chance to rectify it in the future. Unfortunately once December comes you'll be gone, and I'll never see you again save for some miraculous twist of fate.

I used to think that I had all the time in the world, that I could take everything slowly and it would be all right. But now it's August and there's still so much left unsaid. So much I still want to say. But can't. I remember when you still used to come up from behind me with a smile. Now we're little better than awkward acquantainces in person. Time erodes familiarity all too well.

And then it'll be Prom, and it'll be too late, save for one last meeting. And I'm sure you'll look as beautiful as the first day I met you.

You ever get the feeling that you've done everything wrongly, and wish that you could take it all back and start again?


I was talking to gaybutt and his equally gay wife the other day on the issue of how fucked-up people like us are assumed never to have feelings and whatnot and how some of us often like to keep it in most of the time as a result. More on that next time but I realized I've become more like that and sometimes it's not really a bad thing as long as you can handle it. Like for example the other day after our A10 sausagefest when all the other sausages had left I went to Kinokuniya because I wanted to think and have some me-time. So I spent an hour just looking through books and wandering the aisles, and an immense sense of peace came over me like I had finally found some equilibrium of an inner state. So it's pretty cool. Carthasis and all that. Or maybe sometimes I sit in the corner and.... I don't know. Cry? Unbecoming, I suppose. 'Cause boys don't cry.

And then maybe you feel that it could be alright. And that if God or FSM had a sense of humor/compassion he/she/it/they would let you see her again someday.

Random Classics from the Past

  • Aug. 3rd, 2009 at 8:41 PM


So I was going through my old blog today because I wanted to compare my genius then and now. I must say I didn't think it was possible for me to become more dope then but I've exceeded my own expectations. High-five! Here are some classic quotes from this writing camp I went to.

"I heard... you were a fag." (Me, to Wong Renjie)

"HEY DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET HIGH ON ICE CREAM?" (Lee Jieyang)

"Hello, hello. I'm sorry to inform you, Mr Lee, that you have officially been certified as retarded."
"Ruzi I have Caller ID you f**king retard"

"Wow, she's going to kill us when she realizes we cut up all of her nice black paper into snowflakes because we were high. And where did you put her scissors?" (Me)

"Why in the world would you have two pencilboxes?"
"That one's my wallet." (Liang Hwei Teh Tarik)

"Your hand feels like chicken nuggets." (More nuggets (pun!!!) of wisdom from Teh Tarik)

"Wow, he's your boss? That's... sad." (Me to teacher)

"Yes, my friend, you spelled hammer wrong. Why are you in this English writing course for LINGUISTICALLY APT people again?"
 

"Yes, I am a social outcast. Wearing bright orange."

"I'm actually a non-conformist. Again, wearing bright orange."

"What are we going to do if the f**king montage takes more than 5 minutes to load?"
"Ah ha! A poetry recital!"
"We knew it would be hard... but we weren't retards..."
"Or we could... you know, just be gay on the stage."

"Looking out of the window, his worst fears were confirmed. In the background, juggling rifles, was CoCo the Clown." (from actual piece of writing)

"It's time for an intellectual conversation. I want to be Donald Trump, with the toupee and all." (Wong Renjie)

"That coat is soooooooooooooo not Armani! It lacks the distinctive sheen!" (Proof that Wong Renjie is gay)

"You look like a Christmas tree!" (Jia Jia Liang Teh showing she has no appreciation of fashion)

"That's three times you've banged me on that head with that exact same damn door, in two f**king days."

"Tee hee hee! I'm a bimbo! Cause I'm wearing an SCGS uniform!" (Rachel Tng)

Some of this shit is like... probably not fully the same as what was said. Lol.


And a nice old post of mine that still made me lol a bit. From Sec 3, I think?

 

L3t'5 t41k 4b0ut En9r15H... again

 

 
So, l33t speak. We all know it. We all enjoy proclaiming l33t h4xx0rzness in bouts of virulent debate over our estranged manliness. But there's a limit. Most people can put up with the usual crap that goes on online, usually spouted by but not limited to, the great state of um... the United States. Yeah.

'Insurance trilogy ownzorz! Get a lfe, wanker! Go home and cry in peace, yo friggin shiz nit niggar! Paolini ownz ur arrse!'

Some minor nitpicks here:

I was not aware that ownzorz was actually a word. I assume that said poster actually meant 'owns', which also hovers dangerously on the border of l33tness.

lfe also does not exist in any sort of dictionary I know of, except in wild wet Jasperland. I assume poster meant life. In that case, poster should actually make an effort to type the i and spell it correctly, lest dandy gentlemen or genteelwomen who scrutinize his academically rigorous post in an attempt to classify it in a genre of dissent be put off by the less than perfect spelling.

Wanker. Firstly, how does said poster know that the object of his perceived insult actually wanks? Furthermore, define wank. Is it male of female? For all we know, the person insulted could actually be the Pope, and we all know he's celibate. At least, I think he is.

Yo friggin shiz nit. Is that supposed to be stereotypical street trash talk? Besides being an unauthorized dialect of le Queen's English, street trash talk is astoundingly limited, and the base vocabulary appears to be twisted from normal English. With that in mind, let's attempt to master this complicated language, with it's myriad 'n' consonants and so on.

'Heyo, daddy-o! The pimp just screwed up his friggin shittin chemmin testin, yo yo yo! He's sittin' in the corn', crying' liek a washed up piece of shittttttt.... I'm a hardcore rapper, yo!'

Fascinating.

Niggar. I assume said poster meant nigger, which is a derogatory, racially offensive word. Not only is the author attempting to stir up war between the races in such a deviously subtle fashion, he has also miraculously guessed the color of my skin, although potassium dichromate seems to have turned it slightly white. There's reduction for you. It's tested in O Levels by the way.

Ownz ur arrse. Nuff' said, daddy-o.

More genius from the land of constitutional rights:

'Ur teh noob! My pikachu is l33t h4xx0z!'

'What the fook. YU-GI-OH is TEH PWNAGE. MAGIC STNKS. STNKS. STNKS. UR ONLY HAVING 20 life, noobers.'

Sometimes I wonder how they became a superpower in the first place, if they can't even seem to master their language properly. And they look down on Asians, proclaiming us 'teh noobs' for being 'less than teh ownage' at 'teh roxx0rz' English. What an irony. Remind me why my English is worse than the Lvl. 100 Pikachu trainer from above.

There seems to be more and more dialects of le Queen's English sprouting up like Middle Eastern conflicts nowadays. In Singapore, we also have embarked on our very own phenomenon. Observe the sentence below, plucked from a real life Singaporean schoolgirl's blog, and take a gander at her l33t h4xx0rz command of this extremely mind-boggling linguistic achievement...

MiNe LuRbY bLoG:)``RmB To TaG b4 U LeAvE.``just shud up if u dun lyk miie_*``ZuOyInGgx__aKa LuRbYgErL__LuRb sOtOnG__po0h*``regret fer gettin so lousy fer psle..i hate my seats.

Moi HaD CHicKeNz, 2DaY, wEnt Liek, SHOPPIN witgh Hwei Hwei AnD OMG boGHT a hOt Red TOp for LieK, $10, Omg OMg!

Notice the similarity to street trash talk.

I recently lost an argument with a fairly nice Caucasian guy (at least he didn't call me teh niggarz) about English. I pointed out that Americans were fairly hypocritical, mocking us 'slanty-eyed' gooks for speaking broken English, but need I point out that we are proficient, to some small degree, in Mandarin as well, or didn't they know that China is taking over the world? Mao forever. Back on track, I threw him some examples of stupid l33t squabbling in online forums, showcasing the ridiculousness of a bunch of arrogant fags attacking each other for possessing incoherent grammar when the attacking fag in question was saying things like, 'You is stupid, becourse your grammer sux.'
Then he throws the above in my face. How he surfed and hit that particular blog, I don't know, maybe he has a fetish for Singaporean girls? L33t h4xx0rz.
I ended up losing that argument, by the way.

Let's start the nitpicking:

Ignoring the smiley faces for the moment, we stumble upon the ingenuity of this new English dialect, most commonly used by 'too cool to trot' Singaporean schoolgirls, in an admirable attempt to be Cool!, though I must note that Hua Yu is also Cool!, and we all know how that is working out. But back to this new dialect. Notice that half of the letters have inexplicably been capitalized. Huh. Ah see, ah see. What flamboyant self-expression. However, it serves no real purpose, except for giving composition-marking teachers migraines and the like.

Debate for yourself. Are these half capitalized, half non capitalized discourses fishing retarded, or pure genius?

Moving right along, we see that the girl in question has cleverly made use of another apparent new Singlish trait: butchering perfectly fine words to form Cool! new ones to impress hot emo guys. We'll talk about the inexplicable schoolgirl fetish for emo dudes on another day. For now, let's discuss the practical implications of Lurby. I suppose that it sounds like Kirby. Anything else?

No. I didn't think so. It's don't have tur kwa one.

It better have meant love, by the way, because I shudder to think of other possibly translations.

RmB is short form, another amazing new Singlish technique. But why not just use a fascinating George Orwell creation, Newspeak?

Minitrue mark article doubleplusungood crimethink. Miniluv remake goodthink fullwise.

Much better. b4 is another short form, derived from l33t speak. Nothing new.

jus shud up if u dun lyk miee is a good example of butchering and short form in action. lyk replaces like, for instance, erasing a whole letter, thereby slowly eradicating the English language. Evil plot in motion?

The next sentence leaves me utterly boggled, with what appears to be a name, a proclamation of love for sotongs, aka squids, and underscores that probably embody some nefarious hidden meaning.

Not going to comment on the subject's PSLE results, but this is my guess:

Chinese A*
English F
Science D
Maths D
Higher Chinese: Distinction

But it's not fair. I mean, she was doing the papers in another LANGUAGE, for crying out loud.

Subject also apparently hates seats. Maybe she just likes sitting on the floor?

Okay, we've hit the cream of the crap. Moi? WHAT THE FISH IS MOI? Is it French? Polish? Czech? And what practical purpose does moi serve, except maybe fooling idiots into thinking the canteen's serving fondue today? Moi? Moi? This is one branch of new Singlish that I cannot comprehend.

The rest is typical schoolgirl ranting. Hot red tops for $10 are like OMG btw.

And we end off here. No ranting for me. The point seems to have fleshed itself out fairly well.


DICTIONARY WORD OF THE DAY

Genuflected
Twist at the knee, sort of like a bow of deference

I read this in Terry Goodkind, and thought it was some lewd act at first. Well, you learn a new word everyday. Great for summaries, and it reads like this when translated into hanyu pinyin:

Ga1 Ni1 Na1 Bu1

The mr Yellow show was brought to you by Nl Girlz Hot Rawrx Bloggin AsSoCiATion, in conjuction with NIGGAR HATERZ OF THE AMERCA CULT, a division of the KKK.







 

Stop and Stare/The Darkness of Mere Being

  • Jul. 26th, 2009 at 12:15 AM


Somethings you pause in the midst of your hectic life and say to yourself: "Hang on, does this have any meaning at all?"
Seems that's a question that gets asked a lot more nowadays as we hurtle toward Prelims/A levels. Life just seems very meaningless and discolored. I've noticed a recent trend. If I hang around the class bench after school there's no one anymore. Not just my bench, but all around the school. Everyone's going home to mug their eyes out. Either that or there are a bunch of stragglers hanging around... and they're mugging away. Or maybe everyone's running away from me eh. Probaby not because (a) It is statistically improbable and (b) I'm freaking cool so most people, or at the very least a few breath mint poppers like to bask in my presence.

How do most of us find meaning in life? We've been doing existentialism in KI recently. The idea of it sounds cool but the content is really boring. On Thursday when TWJ went for reservist we had a recorded lecture... in which I fell asleep. And apparently Sir Pot was trying to get a mic recording of me snoring but failed. So midfin Sir Pot. Also the whole imagery of him positioned over my face is pretty disturbing and Borat-y. Imagine if I had woken up to the sight of two descending Golden Globes.

Anyway, the next day was Friday and we had an assignment based on our lecture. I had no idea what was going on because I had (a) fallen asleep and (b) usually don't know what's going on anyway. But that's OK because TWJ was still at reservist and we were doing it in the library. (Sounds sick). So I tried to listen to the goddamn lecture again and fell asleep again. So now I've fallen asleep to the same lecture twice. WTF.

I'm going to butcher Sartre's ideas now. Life has NO meaning. Makes me want to go jump off a building. However meaning in life is what we construct ourselves. If we feel there is no meaning in life then there isn't. We are the ones who give meaning to ourselves. This is slightly comforting and a whole lot more empowering. So depressed people are just depressed because they have nothing better to do/didn't get a reply to the nice sms they sent to whoever/got U for GP. But they can be happy about it! If they choose to. Or at least be happy about something.

I was actually feeling pretty shitty earlier on on Friday and that's why I had a super extended toilet break during Econs lecture. That and I listening to the limitations of NEER versus Floating Exchange Rate interspersed with jabs at Peanut Butter Boy made me want to beat my face in with a jackhammer. But I managed to get out of it by deciding that I WANTED to. Of course it's never that easy. But just wanting and knowing you can do something makes it a whole lot easier when you actually try to do it. And some small credit to pill-popper for being a jackass as usual, I suppose. And Tng's NUS card for the nice picture. It's amazing how they manage to butcher our photos when making student cards. It's like these people want to embarass the hell out of people/create a few more free laughs in the world.

I've been thinking more recently. Or at least I've slowed down/opened up to myself and allowed myself to think. Sometimes it's hard to think, let alone talk when there are a million other voices clamouring to be heard in a world full of voices and not enough listeners It drowns out your inner self. I've hardly talked to you this year, and almost never in person. You gave me meaning, or allowed me to construct meaning. And when you were gone for a while I lost that meaning. And it was my own fault because I was basically fighting myself and denying myself this meaning. And it seemed very hard to carry on/reach out but that was because I was frozen in a web that I had woven myself. Because it was easier to stay entangled than to know the truth for certain and then move on from there.

There's nothing much left for me now in that respect. But I can take what I have left, without expecting/hoping for more. Because inadvertantly, you made me grow, made me a stronger person. And this heart will never collapse for anyone else again. It's not the same as not giving your all for anyone ever again, just that when you do and you don't get much back, you'll still remain standing. People are only as weak as they choose to be.

Life is strange, isn't it? Or maybe it just is.

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. -C.G Jung



Haha Hotdog Moment of the Day

  • Jul. 21st, 2009 at 9:33 PM


Some people get scammed even when you try to tell them about another scam. Tsk tsk.

recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:

hey van

VAN: infantile says:

heyy :)

recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:

LOL

VAN: infantile says:

EH FUCK YOU LA RUIZI

lol wts.

blabla

recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:

enjoying it when you're not the butt of the scam eh

VAN: infantile says:

haha of course

recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:

i must give you credit for figuring it out within.... 2 min today

VAN: infantile says:

haha

saw your dp la

recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:

though when i saw your smiley reply i knew you were smoked for the moment

VAN: infantile says:

dead giveaway

LOL

recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:

if i changed to her dumbshit kitten dp i bet you get owned

VAN: infantile says:

HAHA midfin

Kingdom of Saints

  • Jul. 12th, 2009 at 9:51 PM


It would be a stronger world, a stronger loving world, to die in. -John Cale

So long as the Lord does not live in you, all humans hold darkness in their hearts. Embrace the Lord, and we can create a paradise where there is no injustice, where the righteous need no longer weep. -Remiel, archangel

Taking a break from flaunting my extraordinary sense of funny, I've been quite fascinated by the story of Babel recently. For those who don't know, it's from biblical lore. I'm not 100% on the exact details, but the general gist is, some time after the Flood, Man has become united in Babylon, and become a great civilization. They undertake a project to built a tower that has it's top 'in the heavens', named the Tower of Babel,not for reverence of God, but for their own vanity and the desire to leave a legacy. God, displeased, sunders the common tongue with which they speak into innumerable languages, and divides mankind forever, shattering their arrogance and making the completion of Babel impossible.

Actually I find Biblical lore as a whole fairly interesting. I'm not deeply Christian or even somewhat religious, but I do enjoy such stories. Anyway the reason I bring this up is because I've also been playing a game (Shin Megami Tensei) with a really deep plot that revolves around Babel. There are many endings, but the two with the greatest bifurcations are: One, subjugate all daemons of hell and use your power to kneel before God and create a utopia free of doubt or any negativity at all, or Two, rebel against God using the power of daemons
in order to break Mankind free of His influence forever, giving them complete autonomy.

The idea of Utopia seems very enticing. On the surface it's literally Nirvana. By removing all negativity from the world we break ourselves free of cycles of lost love, of sorrow, of violence, of injustice. How many times have you wished that such cycles could end? On a more personal note, even as teenagers, most of us have experienced things liike lost love at least once, and in those times, how many of us have wished to be free of something like that forevermore?

Of course you have to consider what the maintenance of Utopia would entail. A system of justice, dished out to those who are not pure of heart and stray from His teachings, or the removal of the will to do anything impure. Furthermore this pureness would be decided by God, or at the very least his Messiah or angels, and would provide a strict doctrine to live by where divergence from commandment must either be removed or at least punished.

In Gensomaden Saiyuki (a pumped up Gen Y Japanese take on Journey to the West), Kazuya  Minekura paints us a picture of the Chinese/Japanese heaven as a complete Utopia, ever still, ever unchanging, with all material need taken care of. Yet the gods and deities of this paradise are disenchantd. As one character says:

It gets kind of boring after a while, you know? Just damn boring.

Another deity, who sneaks off on frequent excursions to the mortal world, when asked why, remarks (paraphrasing):

It's just a lot more interesting down there. There's evil. Or at least they allow you to be evil . And their pitifully short lives leaves them grasping at any good fortune they get and clinging onto it for dear life. It makes everything seem a lot more precious. Us gods, we won't ever get the idea of precious. And they're probably going to kick me out soon for going down there too much but you know what? I don't really think I care. Heh.

Sounds almost blasphemous. But it brings up a very interesting notion. Maybe Utopia isn't so great after all. Turbulence, free will, these are all things that make us human. Take it away and it would get kind of boring.

I don't really know what I'm writing this for. Just seemed like something interesting to pen down. Maybe it's a reminder to be careful what you wish for. And to appreciate those little mortal flaws of life. Cause maybe a Kingdom of Saints ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Just something to think about.

Name the Classmate (2)

  • Jul. 8th, 2009 at 10:54 PM


Same as last time. Also can have repeat so no process of elimination nonsense, HEHEH.


Fans Complain 'Too Much Megan Fox' in Transformers 2

  • Jul. 2nd, 2009 at 2:32 PM

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen hit theaters this week, and was well received with generally positive reviews that praised it's deep and insightful plot,and the numerous life lessons that it imparts. It has been compared to other meaningful classics such as Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

However, the mostly teenage male fanbase has voiced concerns about the excessive screen time that actress Megan Fox receives in the movie. 'There's too much Megan Fox man,' a bespectacled young man who declined to be named complained when interviewed. 'Producer Michael Bay seems to be resorting to sexuality for publicity, which is like totally selling out. Which self-respecting young man goes to movies to see hot chicks? We go because of the plot. Transformers 1 was awesome because of it's plot. I mean, robots trying to take over the Earth? It's like an Orwellian 1984 warning. We should not give too much power to the cars because the cars will TAKE OVER and INHERIT the EARTH.'

Indeed, this is the underlying undertone that was rampant throughout the original Transformers. Critics speculated that the Cube was a hint about the truth behind the Roswell conspiracy and that much of the story was based on fact. 'I saw it man,' said a young coke dealer who called himself Gaylord. 'I saw Megatron beating the shit out of Optimus Prime when I was high.'

Another teenager named Dick Hed said that the 'flagrant flaunting' of Fox's 'impossibly hot bod' detracted from the real focus of the movie, which was the plot. He decried it and Hollywood for 'setting impossible standards' for young women and making them feel 'grossly insecure about their inferior curves'. 'They need to know that men will be satisfied with a normal 'babe' as long as she's sexually adventurous and only half as dumb and simpering as her character.' He also added that 'if I wanted to jack-off to a hot slutty-looking girl who's often only half-dressed I would stalk my cousin on MySpace', before excusing himself for an extended break to the restroom.

However, pundits posit that the overt display of Fox in the most alluring positions was actually a brilliant diversion by Bay meant to hide the clear homosexual undertones that ran throughout the course of the film, most obviously exemplified in the interaction between Sam and Bumblebee. 'I mean, Bumblebee is such an obviously gay name, plus he's yellow and likes music, what the hell else do you need?' said a spokesman for the Gay Advocates of America. 'Plus the imagery is so obvious. I mean... Sam rides in Bumblebee? Get it? Does the studio think that by throwing Fox in there people wouldn't notice? It's obviously a ploy to please the conservative Christian fanbase by shoving all that latent homo-eroticism under the table.'

If it is then it has worked. An executive member of Asian women's group BEWARE was quoted as saying 'We feel that this movie is a huge step up from trashy pop-culture audience pleasers such as I Love You, Man. The homosexual values presented in that film disgust me. If God approved of gays he would have given them vaginas.' She added that, 'The casting of Megan Fox in both Transformers and the portrayal of Sam and her character's interaction reinforces the idea of healthy traditional heterosexual relationships. As long as there is no onscreen premarital sex we approve of the image Transformers 2 projects. I don't see why these boys are so against her appearing in so much of the film. Perhaps they should take a good hard look at themselves and wonder if they're gay... because she is the epitome of heterosexual appeal.'

Fox, in an interview, concurred and added that she was 'proud of what she represents for women and how men have come to view women in contemporary society' and that 'while homosexuals should not be denied their voice in the media' that it is still 'heterosexual desires that dictate the direction of our society'.

Despite the Christian fanbase contributing a great deal to ticket sales of this film, director Bay should reconsider the direction his franchise is moving in, because the boys ultimately contribute to a larger proportion of sales, and as they themselves have said, they appreciate the plot better. But I applaud him for his bravery in not giving the majority what they want and sticking to the core values of gratuitous sexuality and healthy heterosexual relationships, even if there is a disconcerting homosexual undercurrent. It is rare to find such a talent who refuses to simply cave in to the demands of the majority.

-Associated Press

Love in the Time of H1N1

  • Jun. 29th, 2009 at 5:18 PM


H1N1 doesn't have quite the same distinctive ring as Cholera, does it? Suppose not.

Today I was having a conversation with a friend who works at this tuition centre at Plaza Singapura. While it's a really attractive place that seems to draw many students, I'm not really drawn by it, and he says it has enough students anyway. Besides, I'm more into holiday pick-me-up courses than regular tuition nowadays so it's just as well. But it's nice to see someone enjoy their work.

We were talking about the way in which one should or could approach relationships. Normally this isn't wouldn't interest me because, as a bona-fide tutor, he enjoys talking about these things at high levels of abstraction, which isn't really fun because (1) I'm doing 2 H3s on Love already (don't ask why, I would love to know too) and (2) People who know me fairly well should know that I've sort of become a cynical, sonofabitch bastard who doesn't believe much in ideals nowadays. But life is strange, no eye-candy in sight, hotdogs went dancing and Dutch aristocrats were frolicking in the fields. So you knew summertime was here! And I strangely felt in the mood.

So, relationships (this is all from the male point of view because I'm also chauvinist). Normally people talk about the nice guy/bad guy distinction. The nice guy is the one who is always around, does everything, comforts the weeping damsel, and loves her tender. However he doesn't act on his attraction or love or whatever because he believes that by letting things be, and through the goodness of his heart, the lady will realize what a stallion in disguise he is and reciprocate passionately. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. So even in her vulnerable moments he remains stoic where other more craven men would pounce and seize the opportunity. What chivalry! What restraint! Does this love story end like a Taylor Swift song?

Anyone who thinks so is either deluded or has watched too much Hollywood. Along comes the bad guy. He's disinterested, he's abrasive, and he treats the nice guy's delicate little blossom like a pile of horse shit.Yet he exudes this strange, mysterious charm, and he's so dashingly handsome in so many little ways. So of course she's swept off her feet. Can you feel her little heart fluttering? Bad guy wins, nice guy loses, but watches on and claps and pretends to be happy while inside, his heart breaks, and he goes home for some well-deserved Haagen-Daaz therapy. Not your standard  Disney Channel fare.

Of course real-life isn't so simple, so don't take it too seriously. There are very few real nice guys and very few real bad guys. Some are more bad then good, vice-versa, or just somewhere in between. The above scenario is simply a caricature, and the characters, stereotypes. Real girls aren't so dumb. In fact, 'bad guy' is probably a misnomer, though I wouldn't know what to otherwise label such a character. That said, this scenario does play out to a lesser degree in many love pursuits/triangles, and stereotypes often have more than a smidgeon of truth in them. It doesn't mean the girl is bad, or foolish, or unappreciative. It's psychology. This has all been gone over somewhere else, but I'll say it anyway.Having someone who is always there for you and so on is nice. It gives you a sense of security. It also gets boring. On the other hand, the bad guy is mysterious and provides a thrill. Even if he treats you badly or seems very un-interested... well, it'll only spur your interest further. People take things handed to them on a plate for granted. On the other hand, they are more attracted to fresh things that need to be achieved. It's only natural.

This is why, paradoxically, it's always the bad guy who wins, despite being the one less caring or less interested in the girl in the first place. After all, having someone fawning over you constantly does get stifling. So by being less invested in the person, you're more likely to 'get' the person. Weird. The problem is that you can't manfacture your 'hard-to-get' demeanor. It has to come naturally. And if you are really attracted to and care for the person then it's hard. It's one of the little ironies of life that cracks Cupid up. And the situation doesn't just apply to nice guys, but probably nice girls too. If you want a cartoony example go read some Archie.

But that wasn't really the focus of our discussio, though it was close. What we talked about were the two approaches to seeking your other half. One is the aggressive approach, while the other is the let things be approach. The nice guy/bad guy distinction doesn't map properly onto either of the approaches, though I did bring up the fact that being a nice guy often means you let things be. While he said that the two were not necessarily related, I would say that it is the case more often that not.

Anyway, being aggressive means taking initiative. By initiative, I mean INITIATIVE. Not your standard 'hi how are you feeling', or 'i want to comfort you <3 <3' or the 'do you need me to do anything? wash your pajamas???' sms approach. Everyone smses or talks to their desired other half more than normal. The aggressive approach means forcing it, pressuring the person, smsing and doing whatever-you-can-think of constantly. It's tactical bombarding, in other words. And more often that not it works if you can imbue it with a sort of bad guy attitude. Like 'I'm showing you attention but, it's a privellege, not a right. And if you don't respond well you can just die an ugly old maid'. It's not always the ase though. Sometimes the guy just wants her so badly that he does this. And more often that not, it works. Most wouldn't know how to reject and eventually capitulate, or they do get moved or at least impressed by the effort.

By contrast, the ideal is perhaps the letting things be and loving but not loving too hard attitude. Most relationships that arise from this last better in the long run, because they aren't forced or prematurely entered into (sounds like something else, eh? heheh), but rather are formed out of a genuine connection and a greater certainty of love and whatnot. My friend suscribes to this ideal, and he believes that it is the only way relationships should go, because they will be more meaningful. I agree somewhat in that it is the ideal and I do half-believe in it. Yet ideals are ideals and that's why they're seldom seen in the real world.

The problem with letting things be and trying to build up a connection or doing the right thing is usually another guy comes along, does the bad/aggressive song and dance and undos all your tender loving care. And then you lose what you love because you did the 'right' thing by not pushing it. Many people give up and thus the world is deprived of nice guys because of this. They're trying to create a gourment meal but goddammit, people like fast-food!!! Even if it eventually kills them faster. The issue here is one of unfairness. By trying to play fair, taking things slow, and keeping the girl's interest at heart you lose out to the McDonalds Man. A secondary issue is that her 'interest' is in what she needs, rather than what she wants. Not pushing it is often better in the long run because such relationships are more fragile, rushed and hence break apart easily, leading to more hurt. But short-term needs are satisfied, and humans often look for short-term satisfaction.

My friend thinks that a fully aggressive approach just isn't right. I agree. However being a complete nice guy and letting things be and trying to slowly build a meaningful connection often leads to people losing out This is because when you are like that, you trust others will be like that too. But not everyone can adopt that philosophy. So they create a chain reaction that leads to others become cynical. It's also immensely tiring to be 'nice' because even when you lose out you're supposed to let go and be happy for the other. Some people would say it's a sign of weakness, and I may not disagree. However it does show you really care for the person. People are weak when it comes to love? Aww. Makes me want to puke.

We see the nice guy/bad guy irony play out again. The one who cares too deeply loses out. The one who can't adopt that approach and is aggressive sometimes just wants his needs fulfilled in the short term. He may care for her but he isn't completely altruistically motivated. I think that's fine. Few can be completely altruistic, and altriusm is the mortal flaw anyway. Yet when you use the McDonalds way of getting what you want, sometimes you find that what you get isn't completely what you want. Which also explains why relationships such as these never work out well.

I feel that the two, just like nice guy/bad guy, are extremes that never play out well in reality. I would like to believe in the 'nice', caring, completely altruistic ideal. Maybe I still do, to some extent. Yet I feel that in reality, one is never completely pure. And perhaps instead of black and wbite, we only have shades of gray. A semi-aggressive, semi-altruistic approach is perhaps the way to go. So I thus detract from my learned tutor acquaintance in that while he sticks to the ideal, I've marred it with the demands of reality. I think it's a good trade-off. Sometimes our desires are so strong that we do want ourselves to succeed. But if you don't truly care rather than just wanting the person it'll never work out. So aggresiveness works to some extent, but then you have to know when to let things be.

Sounds convoluted. I haven't fully fleshed it out yet. I'm not even sure I captured all of the discussion. But I think I reflected enough of it.

I realized after that why I had been interested after all. Perhaps some little things about the past niggle at me. Like if I had done this differently instead of being a complete doormat, if I had coupled it with a little bit of that cavalier McDonalds attitude, could things have been different? Maybe.

But sometimes maybe is the hardest word.

Ok, if you got through all of that, a little bit of funny at the end! Here's a play-based depiction of the half aggressive-half altruistic approach. It's not based on anyone at all. If you think it is you're craziee. Ok la. People true but dialogue and events fake. Standard disclaimer of don't be offended kay.

(Two happy friends, Tune and Fansub sit at a wooden bench overlooking a grassy knoll, where flowers bloom, adding color to all of our wretched lives. In the background, European personae gamboll about without a care in the world, kissing passionately but very inappropriately. A lone man playing soccer seems irritated by this. Strangely, a toad can be seen feverishly reading a book of economics on the other end of the bench. But no one pays attention to the mugger toad.)

Tune: Oh, Fansub! Toilet Man has been making such advances on me! At times he is suave, charming and I really can't help but feel... a thrill run through my spine! But he can be so weird on other times! And I have all this Maths to do and back episodes of Absolute Boyfriend to watch!

Fansub: Well. I'l support you in whatever you do. But maybe you should concentrate on your studies and interests first. But I'll support you in whatever you do. What are friends for? Other than to teach each other how to spin basketballs and fold origami, I mean.

Tune: Do you think I should... capitulate to his sweet adulation?

Fansub: Er, do you think you really like him?

Tune: I don't know. (Repeats ten times, stares at European couple) Mugger Toad, what do you think?

Toad: Erm. -mutters-. -blinks-. I don't know! And I have all this work to do! I only did 6.5 hours today!!! I'M DEAD FOR GEOG! (Runs away)

Tune:Huh? Huh? Ok she's gone. Well, Fansub?

Fansub: Well I'll support you in... ah fuck it. Tune, he's just a flashy guy who does lots of pull-ups. But I LOVE you. Very much. And... and... I'll strive to earn your love too! Regardless of all the barriers between us! Sure my family will talk for dating outside of my race... but I LOVE you.

Tune: Huh? Huh? Huh? So sudden.... I would never have expected it! Gosh!

Fansub: I've always been a nice guy. But no longer. Not fully anyway. I will not let you go for Toilet Man. I will fight for you.

(Sings You Belong With Me. European couple spasms and clutches their tender earlobes in sweet agony)

Tune: -Shivers- Do not let such mournful melodies pass your lips again. It is unbecoming. And you are not a girl anyway.

Fansub: Yes Tune, whatever you command.

Tune: Oh Fansub! I must ponder your hitherto unforseen declaration of love! It is very overwhelming! I'm not sure, I'm not sure! We're just friends.... (bla bla, folds a lot of origami in the process)

Fansub: I understand. I shall take my leave. And when I return, whatever you say, I will LOVE you regardless. And I will wait for you even if you've gone home. And I'll stalk you if you say no.

(10 minutes later. Tune sits alone in the middle of the knoll. European couple sneezed and were dragged away to an undisclosed location 5 min ago because it's a DEFINITE sign they have H1N1)

(Fansub approaches, treading slowly through the grass. Tune rises.)

Tune: Oh Fansub! I don't want you stalking me! So I love you too!

Fansub: Oh Tune! I've waited for... a month since I've know you to hear that! It was a sheer eternity that had me in the throes of bittersweet pain!

(They hug. Then Tune sneezes.)

Tune: Oh! I think... I think I may have gone shopping with Mrs Von Steinenburg too much. I feel faint.

(Teachers pounce on her and drag her away)

Fansub: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Tune! We will never be separated!

(Fansub eventually stuffs five feathers up his nose and gets dragged away too when he showers Yell with mucus. The two happily spend 7 days sneezing at each other in an undisclosed location. True love prevails.)

Well that was retarded. Destressing is good though. Heheh.




 

Name the Classmate (1)

  • Jun. 17th, 2009 at 12:40 AM


LOL. This blog has been markedly different from my previous endeavors. Or doom and gloom and I can't get over you bla bla bla. Time to return to a more time-tested tradition. I'm gonna post pics that represent various classmates of mine. The first to get all of them right wins er... some ice-blended drink. Heheh.

Obligatory PC statement: Before we begin, I would like to apologize in advance to anyone who may take offense with these images. They are not posted with malicious intent but in the name of good fun. So anyone who doesn't like it can tell me. If they can figure out who they are!!!

Circularity

  • Jun. 4th, 2009 at 12:17 AM


I was reading Beloved today for FSM knows what reason. I think for a moment there I thought it would be tested for blocks or something. Anyway it got me thinking about circularity. There's a lot of it in the book.

I realized that too much of the essential part of my life goes around in circles. As one circle ends, and you think you can finally break free of the cycle, another begins. Circularity itself isn't bad but each lap around the track wears me down. So eventually there'll be nothing left.

It's kind of like the cycle of rebirth in Buddhsim. Only when you escape that cycle can you attain Nirvana. Enlightenment. Peace. Freedom. And it isn't an easy task. A trainee once excitedly told a Zen Master that he had seen Buddha on a road in a dream, and was told the key to Nirvana. And the Zen Master replied that 'if you meet the Buddha, kill him.' Shocking? It just means that you can't gain Enlightenment by what Buddha can tell you. The Buddha that claims to impart the teachings of the Buddha is not the true Buddha, but a false Buddha. Being able to escape the cycle comes is something that comes from within.

I don't really know where this is going. Sounds pretty deep right now, huh?

I never really realized that I apparently have such an air of inscrutability. I don't think I intend for that anymore? But it's like some automated defence mechanism. And no one can pierce through it. Or care to try hard enough to.

I thought at least someone could, but nobody can.

May. 26th, 2009

  • 6:14 PM

Recently I realized just how much work needed to be done and the whole enormity of academics and whatnot. So I tried to amp up, and I ended up having a really big breakdown today. The sad thing was it wasn't even like I was in overdrive. Like honestly I've been slacking a lot this whole year. And maybe when it all really sank in I was overwhelmed. So this is a classic case of... something. I don't know.

It's like when you realize the futility of it all. Yeah, very modernism-ish and all. But honestly my portfolio is pretty screwed at this point. So however well I manage my academics from here on it's proably going to be pointless. That's assuming I manage it well from here on in the first place. Maybe in terms of written exams I can still make it. And a good thing is that I don't feel pressured to do like... 8 hours a day just because other people are working that much, cause I know my own limits and I work differently. Very high diminishing returns for me, if that makes sense.

I think a large part of the frustration stems from my research papers. Recently I've felt like all I'm writing is gibberish and not worthy of being 'proper academia'. Especially my H3. They just toss you off the deep end. I didn't even do Lit in secondary school, for crying out loud. But at this point realistically I should be just satisfied if I get a merit in the end anyway, considering the abyssmal distinction rate. Probably plenty worried about my IS, though it's the more solid of the two. There're still plenty of kink and always some amount of uncertainty. Given that it's 40% of the KI paper a lot is riding on this so.... (self-evident statement of fact)

Today I also realized the truth of what a certain slutball once observed. When you're in a good state and can exude positive vibes and a calming influence most people want to be around you, but then when you become more subject to mood swings and generally am in a not-so-good-state a lot of people suddenly don't want to be around you / avoid you.

I kind of miss you now. Not in that way anymore though, thankfully. Maybe just as a friend... who can take me away from all this, at least for a little while.

Heheh. fmylife is really good at cheering you up. Thanks slutball for the heads-up. But you still owe me $50 regardless!!!

Rebuilding Burnt Bridges

  • May. 11th, 2009 at 4:45 PM


I'm normally a guy with a high tolerance threshold, perhaps even abnormal. But lately I've been on a very short fuse. It comes and goes, the anger, and it doesn't really linger. It's like a hot flash. But in that instant, I feel empowered, though not in a good way. Like when pushed to, I can do anything. You know that kind of feeling? Like you would set the world on fiire, just to watch it burn. For example, this other day, my mother was backing into a parking lot when this other car rushed into the parking lot next to ours, nearly causing an accident, just to be kiasu, and making life difficult for all of us. Some freaking obese guy was driving it and he looked really triumphant. And when he got out he gave that kind of smirk, you know, the fucking ah beng kind where they think they're so awesome for having gotten away with something really stupid and meaningless. I suddenly felt like smashing his face to a bloody pulp. And if he had somehow provoked me more, I'm not sure what I would have done. I'm not sure what it would take to push me beyong breaking point. Something extreme, probably. I'm not worried at the moment about that because there's a precedent for this, so I have better control now. I think.

People keep reiterating the fact that A levels are less than half a year away. We get the point. Any marginal pressure is just going to be negative. And it's really getting on my nerves. For some reason even though I pledged to do a lot more work I'm not performing. I haven't done any real meaningful work sice Friday. And Blocks are coming. However, I think I'm putting in more effort, so maybe it's a gradual process. Of course in the past I could go a whole week without even doing work, so any increase in productivity is an improvement, eh? I'm probably not going to catch up to Program H, though. She has a very long battery life.

Saturday was JTS. I had one of my hot flashes in the afternoon. The whole affair was retarded enough to mollify me a little, though. And I have to say one thing. It's nice to be appreciated for the effort you put in, for the nice things that you do. I spent the whole of this year getting over the need for that, so even if nobody thanks me for anything and nobody cares I can probably carry on just fine. But it's still heartening to be appreciated. I did get kind of depressed after that when I started drinking, though. Then I did something I probably wouldn't have done under normal circumstances. Then I freaked out and drank even more on the way home. But it turned out well. Much better than I would have expected. And from here on it's... unexplored territory. It makes life a little fun again. I'm pretty sure I'm over it, but I'm still glad that we're talking again. But there was still too much left unsaid. Another time, maybe. Thankfully I don't care as much anymore, at least not in the way that is... unhealthy. Desperate. It's nice to be friends again. Now I won't have to run away anymore.

So this is the bittersweet ending. The kind that happens all too often in real life. The kind that they never speak about in fairytales. But at least there was an... ending. If offered the choice in the past, what would I have chosen? Truthfully, the fairytale. Which is better? I don't honestly know. Would it have been better if I had gotten to live it, even for a while? Or would it have destroyed me when it all came crashing down in the end? Too many questions, and not enough answers. A philosophical, or moral question, maybe. I don't know if I'll ever know the answer. But I guess that's fine. I'm not saying my present state is perfect. There's still a lot... of issues. It suffices though, and I feel kind of rooted at the moment. Like inertia.

One last thing. Often, when we are very emotionally attached to a party, and then something severs that connection, there is a lot of disorientation. And we almost always tend to demonize the other. It's just a way of dealing with it, like training wheels. Even if we can rationally justify all our demonizations, it doesn't mean it's always right, nor should it form the totality of your opinion. The only thing about perspectives that is certain is that they always change. Constantly. Even when we think they're fixed. True, all the faults we may find in the other... they might be real. They might be justified. But if we go looking for something, we usually tend to find it. This is easy because nobody is perfect. Everyone has faults. And because we may know the other so well we will be able to dredge them up. But with the bad always comes the good. I'm not saying people should seek to suppress the process. It may be an emotional neccesity. But perhaps it is important to recognize that sometimes you need to take a step back, and suspend judgment, before you topple over the precipice. Nothing is unforgivable, But some things, when said, can be very difficult to undo. By taking a step back sometimes we can see things a lot clearer. The US constitution has a choice line I find particularly meaningful. 'Let no man be judged by the words of one'.

May. 3rd, 2009

  • 12:21 AM


Is this why people get into relationships? Because of some yearning for another who can understand you? Strange.

On a side note I'm also pretty puzzled as to how I can have control over the intangibles of my life but lack such strength of will when it comes to the tangibles. Hmm. Curious.

Don't survive the wave, only to let the undertow drag you back down.

You are stronger than this.

On Christianity

  • Apr. 27th, 2009 at 8:39 PM

This is probably going to be a long post. And perhaps not very organized.

Let me first start by saying that I'm not against Christianity and certainly not against religion in general. I think there is a very fine line between the central ideals of a religion and the modus operandi of organized religion. The two are not always distinct, or the lines may be deliberately blurred by those seeking to pursue their own agenda. More on that later.

By epistemic standards Christianity is unverifiable, but neither is it falsifiable in its current form. It comes down to faith. Do you believe in God or not? If you do then that's your position, and if I don't then we can perhaps amicably agree to disagree. Debates about the nature of religion often get mired in logical nitpicking, refutation after refutation and typically end up as unresolvable. My stand is this. Notions of truth in a strict sense are very hard to define. The nature of such truth is even more difficult to ascertain. Why quibble over truth? Your truth can be your truth and my truth can be my truth. There may be one truth about such matters out there. We can't seem to arrive at it. Why quibble so much? Such philosophizing should be left to the intellectuals in their ivory towers who have plenty of spare time. The common populace like us should probably stick to our own beliefs.

For me it is a question of utility. If a Christian can find comfort and meaning in life from his or her religion and/or as part of a wider community, which serves to heighten his emotional well-being, then that's fine and dandy, regardless of whatever truth might lie behind those beliefs. If a Christian, because of his or her beliefs, can serve society as a whole by spreading joy and love and whatnot, and it has tangible and intangible benefits, then that is fine too. The problem comes when such beliefs are imposed on others, or have negative consequences for others, be it intentional or not.

There is another fine line to be drawn here. Assume a missionary offers you a handout in a time of need. He then proceeds to enlighten you on the vagaries of his religion and tries to convert you. I believe that the missionary in question should at least get the chance to present his case. The notion of memes demands that we try to propagate our beliefs, or rather, the memes themselves seek to replicate themselves. However, when does it stop being a good-hearted attempt at making people see the light and become pulpit-speaking? Entanglements arise when the missionary in question becomes too forceful. If someone has listened to your views and doesn't want to accept them, then let it be. Even if they respond in a less than genial manner, it is better to back down rather than press on considering it's largely a lost cause. Another problem is when the missionary adopts the moral high ground, seeking to occupy the position of the enlightened. Sometimes they appear condescending. This may not be intentional or even conscious. However it puts people on the defensive. They adopt the mindset of 'so you think you are better than me?' Such beliefs, when presented in this manner, may be presented as indubitable or an ultimatum. 'You must believe in His Word or you will burn in the fires of Hades' (a bit extreme but it brings the point across). There appears to be no allowance for the falsifiability of such beliefs or the negotiation of a tempered position. This puts the religious vs the non-religious on polarized ends of the spectrum. In other words, there is no middle ground. This is simply a matter of inadequacy or inappropriateness in bringing your point across. Unfortunately it's a simple matter that pops up a little too often.

The non-religious are also not blameless. Because of personal/observer/Descartes-based bias they may find some religious beliefs ludicrous. It is all right not to accept. It is all right perhaps to even have a little laugh about it. Humor is the spice of life. The key here is to know when not to cross the line. Humor about this must not be intentionally malicious, of if it is unintentionally malicious, is best corrected. And even if religious proponents appear to be forceful in expressing their opinions, it is best not to lose one's temper and subsequently control over his/her cognitive faculties.

Let's look at the AWARE saga and the underlying conflict o beliefs behind it. This isn't going to be an in-depth or complete analysis (which may be best left to another day).

Some Christians believe that homosexuality is aberrant because God did not wish it so and must thus be curbed. That's their belief. They are fine with holding it as long as it does not translate into tangible action against homosexuals and so on. Too often it does. It has perhaps to do with the strength of the belief. If you just cannot accept the concept of homosexuality, that is fine. If you cannot accept it and it does becomes abhorrent to you then we have a problem. Such views are emotionally charged which often leads to emotionally charged actions. Jerry Fallwell demanded death for all homosexuals. That is just plain intolerance. Curious considering Jesus preached tolerance of all. Of course not all such views are so... absolute. But many such opinions border on the brink of intolerance.

A problem with this may be the New vs Old Testament divivde. The New Testament is a lot more tolerant than the Old one. The Old one I hear has some pretty contentious claims. I can't say much about this because my knowledge of how each testament is distributed and suscribed to all basically all the dynamics of such matters is limited. But I believe that much of it is creatively interpeted. Sometimes people do it on purpose to promote their own anti-homosexual agenda. Sometimes it can just be a misinterpretation (although all interpretations are relative).

A fundamental problem is that many people quote from the Bible in justifying their beliefs and actions. Personally I think the idea of a moral code is nice and utilitarian, and I want to avoid attacking such beliefs on an ad hominem level. However realize that the current Bible differs hugely from the original one. By original I mean scripted down by an Apostle. The original was largely penned in Hebrew. It was then later collated and thus reintepreted. Then it underwent numerous translations and edits. Between there and then a huge amount of meaning is either changed or lost. It is probably best not to take a literal or even moderate literal intepretation of the Bible as some form of moral suasion. Furthermore it should not be absolute prescription on morality. Perhaps moderate prescription.

Let's jump from there to look at the argument against homosexuality itself. Almost all the Christians who crusade against it claim it is abhorrent to God, that it defies the word of God, that it is not natural. The word of God came from the Bible (see above). Furthermore to claim that it is not natural is to claim that God does not allow it. Why then does he? Falwell pointed to Satan as the one who stirs such unnatural tendencies wthin us. This then brings us into a whole scrum about the nature of God, the omnipotence paradox, and other such logical tangles. In essence I think to perhaps not embrace homosexuality with open arms is fine if that's your personal belief. But it's just a belief and not a logically rock-solid claim to truth that is built on unshakeable premises like most anti-homo advocates would like to claim. Also Singapore is a secular state so any such claims to truth on a religious level at higher rungs of  organizations is like wearing a lightning rod as an accessory. But more on that next time.

Perhaps not well related to the AWARE saga then. But I'm pretty tired. Lol. Think maybe there'll be a part 2 coming. More context, more relevance. Just like Econs, eh?

Deja Vu

  • Apr. 23rd, 2009 at 10:02 PM


Had a very strange, half nostalgic/wistful, half sad dream last night. Strange. When I woke up I felt... it's difficult to describe. Half-half too? Pure, I would say. Weird word to use... but curiously adequate. I wonder why I dreamt of something like that in the first place. Is it reflective of something deeper? Something supposed to be buried but inadvertantly unearthed. Deja vu.

On a less sombre, more whimsical note, I've been getting more into writing for the sake of writing again. Not the kind of essay you write just to win something, but fiction for me and maybe you. It's fun, it's interesting and probably a complete waste of time, considering it's A-level year. Plus I've been struggling with trying to get work done on a consistent basis. Sometimes I lapse for a couple of days. Blocks results were really just demoralizing to the point where I find I just lack motivation nowadays. But neccesities dictate the flow of life. Which means I probably should be getting some Maths done.

Sometimes we choose to let the silence stretch, because we just don't know what to say. And then it deepens till the chasm's too wide for you to hear anything... even if it was shouted with gusto. And I'm too afraid to jump across. Or maybe it just isn't worth the effort to me anymore.






Mea Culpa

  • Apr. 6th, 2009 at 7:45 PM


I was watching this romantic Chinese movie the other time (because it had Shu Qi in it, YEAHHH) and there was this pretty cool line. Shu Qi was moping about her ex and asking her mother if she would ever get over it. What her mother said was: 'If you're showering one day and you suddenly remember him, then it means you've finally forgotten him."

Cool, what a dope mother.

Guess it kind of happened to me today. A little bit like pseudo-deja vu, eh?

When I was getting over this I did a lot of rationalizing. It was easier that way. But recently I realized that it was important to face the truth. A bit of a schizo-fest if you get my drift.

You weren't 'hot' enough. She would rather haved gushed about some hot guy who didn't even know she existed. She never really prioritized you. Only when it was convenient. She rejected you at every turn because she didn't feel anything. She only wanted you when it was necessary, and when that was over, she cast you aside. Deal. With. It.

That was hard. But it's better than trying to mope and tell yourself that if you had done things differently, they might have turned out differently. Maybe. Just maybe. But the past is the past. And that... was all me. No front. Just me. So no regrets ought to be had.
 

Doesn't mean I can shirk responsibility. Blame everything except myself. Mea culpa. That's the thing.

And then go take another shower.

 

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