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My family recently found out that my father had cancer, and not just one, but two primary cancers of the liver and colon. This was because of a panicky blood test we ran because my grandmother had breast cancer. Our family is truly as the left end of the bell curve with regards to medical health. It was a fucking shock and still is. He just had his first operation for the liver and is recovering, but seeing my father as helpless as a newborn babe was startling. I've kept my emotions in check until now, when I had a row with my mum over university of all things. She meant well but ended up perceiving and framing the issue as my resentment over not being able to go to the UK (at least currently), and that's not what it's about at all. My early diatribe about university was just a hair trigger response to some other meaningless comment. I could go if I really wanted to, at the price of 6 years of working for whatever organization funds me. In fact, even if given the choice unconditionally I'm not sure if I would choose to stay or go. But I suppose she's worried because she thinks her old exhortations about the awesomeness of scholarships and overseas in order to guide my academic life had made me fixated on it, and academic domination in general. Which is not the case.
I think it's just the result of a prolonged emotional breakdown. Recently I've been feeling fucking alone. Not literally but in an abstract sense. NS has a wonderful way of making you feel like that, but the recent months have really enhanced the feeling. I wonder why people always encourage you to let it all out and show your emotions and stuff when they are never truly prepared to deal with what is underneath. Therefore I've always kept it in check as much as possible. I'm a very cool and calm and supportive person generally but my outbursts can be epic when they come, and when they do it seems nobody ever understands. It sounds like normal teenage angst but you would think those who I thought would understand... don't. I also analyze and figure out things too much so I've pretty much got most reactions to my actions cased before anyone speaks... so I rarely get surprised and thus disappointed. Still, I am sick of facades and smiling when I don't want to. Not just nowadays but in general. I'm sick of society being governed by some weird unspoken Platonic protocol that binds everyone in chains to maintain order. And I've increasingly felt that out of 100% of those whom I know, only 5-10% are true friends, the rest are hi-bye friends and the other 20-25% who I felt were at least good, if not very close friends only ever associate/d with me because they want/ed something and I am/was very very good at providing it. I continually feel inadequate and underestimated nowadays. Part of this must be due to NS, which has taken so, so much from me, from all of us Singaporean males. I don't deny that all the patriotism and propaganda does strike a little chord in me, but it is miniscule compared to the price we pay, because our youth is priceless and can never be recovered. Still, I am thankful because past the most fucked up BMT ever I've been a lot luckier than most with regards to posting, opportunities and superiors, as well as colleagues.
Wow. I haven't posted here for months. Partly because I lost my password and was too lazy to retrieve it at first and partly because of As. Lol. But a lot of these things suddenly seem transient.
Anyway for whoever does read this: I'm not sure a lot of people know about this, but recently my life has really gone to shit. Prom was fun and the night out after that fun-ner, but the afternoon/night after I developed this incredibly loud ringing in my ears which nearly drove me crazy. At first I couldn't even eat or sleep or function like a normal human being. I mean, imagine having a siren on in your head all the time. It's quite a bitch. I discovered that some louder but soothing sounds like flowing water or a benign, but noisy fan could drown it out for awhile. But the psychological expectancy that it will always start the moment such sounds subside into silence is almost as bad. Concentrating and using relaxation techniques and all helped lessen the impact, but it was incredibly mentally taxing.
Anyway, my insomnia began to accumulate and I think the magical talking hotdog got quite a shock the next time she saw me because I looked like a wreck. I got about 3 hours sleep in 3 days and came this close to becoming suicidal.
Then we left for vacation in Thailand and things seemed to get better. I was sleeping more normally again and my intolerance to very loud sounds seemed to be lessening, as well as the goddamn ringing. There were a few panic attacks but otherwise it was good.
After we returned from Thailand it seemed to get better still. I went to watch a movie and found it pretty loud but endured and nothing adverse happened. It was about 70% better. Then my parents got free tickets and we went to watch another movie. Again it was loud but I felt kind of okay. Then the next day my head went berserk and now it's as bad as before.
I have no idea if this will get better. I've done tons of research during my sleepness nights into this sort of condition and there are tons of possible causes (which I've narrowed down) and treatments (all unguaranteed and inconclusive) so at the moment I have no freaking idea. I'm in one of my better moods now which is why I can still type all this out.
One of the worst psychological impacts is the loss of freedom. Right now I have fairly increased sound sensitivity. This means movies, concerts, gigs, and clubs are a definite no-no for I don't know how long. Even going to noisy places with loudspeakers could be problematic. The fear of where to go, what to do, the psychological expectancy... it all cumulates. Not to mention NS. If it looks like I can't even tolerate a movie now how can I tolerate gunshots? I would honestly rather go two months early in good health now than to be downgraded because of this. And to be downgraded is unlikely because I have no idea how their medical specialists would perceive this...
Anyway I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Catharsis? A desire to transcribe some part of my experience? A cry for help? I don't know. But I have learned a few lessons from this and if I ever become 100% ok I swear to remember them well.
One: things are transient. There are a ton of little things that used to preoccupy me and were the nexus of my life. A levels, success in some arenas, a certain other person... they are all important of course but ultimately it doesn't matter. My As can bomb but at if I'm in good health at least I can pick up the pieces and find alternative routes. When there's life, there's hope.
Two: appreciate the little (or not so little things). This seems incredibly fucking cliched. But it's true. The sound of silence, for one, which I used to take for granted... being able to go to a quiet corner when I was sad and find serenity. That is gone for now. Also, friends and family, and so many other things... the ties that bind keep you secure and above the water.
That said, I would like to give a shout-out to the magical talking hotdog, who does not have unlimited smses but was nonetheless sympathetic and allowed me to lay all my shit down. And to the gaybutt who kind of understands even though he's in Africa ogling Nubian tribeswomen... but he was there to an extent too. And most importantly, family. WIthout my parents and my immediate relatives who provided support, care, understanding and allowance I might have done some crazy things a while ago. They are my pillars and I am eternally grateful. Nowadays I marvel at the simple joy of basking in the atmosphere of a family get-together and the sense of camaraderie you feel there. How many of those who read this can admit to twiddling with their phones or whatever in boredom at such events? I know it's difficult to understand where I am coming from but seriously... viva la familia. And when (NOT IF) this is better I will treat my parents to a really nice fancy dinner.
P.S: Well at least I can still have a sense of humor sometimes. Yesterday the gaybutt was telling me that he spent Christmas morning throwing up. Me? I spent Christmas morning with real jingle bells in my head. LOL.
When revising for Lit the other time (which involved reading the book again LOL) I came across this line in the Great Gatsby that proved particularly striking:
But it was all going by too fast now for his blurred eyes and he knew that he had lost that part of it, the freshest and the best, forever.
Sometimes I think it's all a facade, an illusion, that I can maintain some state of happiness... even to myself.There have been too many occasions when I've been out and for that small bubble of time, there seemed to be a little pocket of something that I could hold onto and would keep me above the water. Maybe it was irreverence. Then it all comes crashing down and suddenly you're drowning again. Like you just gave and gave and one day you realized that you've given away too much, and all that's left is a void that gnaws at you like some malaise. And then life loses all it's meaning and you feel adrift in an endless sea. What's worse, that the tears won't stop flowing or what will happen the day they finally run dry...?
I really liked the concept of this movie called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It features Jim Carey and shows two lovers erasing their memories of each other to wash away the torrid turbulence of their relationship. Yet they meet each other by chance once more, and fall for each other again. Of course, the ending, like any good non-chessy Hollywood mold breaker, is sad, which is good because it's more realistic than a Hillary Duff-I-run-across-the-football-field-and-w
Some dickface said the other time that the feeling of all your broken hopes and dreams mounting over time, followed by the thought of your lost happiness going to someone else would be indescribable. I liken it to something like a pounding waterfall at first and then a slow falling... finishing off with a strange skip and jump or maybe a sudden thud. Anti-climatic. Oh and dickface when you read this, good luck with scaling the candy mountain. Just find a balance between optimism and pessimism. If you fall, you will fall hard, but when you look back on it, you would probably not regret making the trek, maybe. Regardless of how adrift you may feel. And if you reach the top, it would be like finding Verbatim Significum (sorry read too much The Lost Symbol liao). So go after it before it melts.
Lol. Metaphors are fun.
I realized that despite all this shit it will pass eventually la. It may be a long time but nothing lasts forever. Empires may be invincible, and grief piercingly palpable, but time, time is eternal. And what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
Amen to that. Time to get wasted tomorrow.
Sometimes I think sociology is full of bullshit when reading stuff such as Alan Sokal's epic owning of Social Text. "Fortunately post-modernistic sociology remains unconstrained by the linear demands of Aristotelian logic, such as non-contradiction" just made me LOL, though I'm like one of the few to find that statement hilarious.
Other times I think that it does have tremendous use. I mean, it does seem as if human relationships seem to be governed by laws, though they may be relativistically rooted. Take for example like,a guy who gets to know a girl because he starts out with the intent of going after her and whatnot. If she ultimately rejects him often the friendship breaks down and they drift apart and become total strangers after a while because the basis of the friendship was not strong. However, if love for another arises out of a close friendship and not vice-versa, then even after the girl rejects the guy or the other way, while there will be a period of awkwardness and dao-ing ultimately the friendship can be repaired. Although things won't be entirely like the past they can still remain fairly good friends. So I think it's the intent that matters here. The best friendships are the ones that are constructed based on effort from both sides, and it is these that survive the nuclear bomb of a failed confession... with time.
Too bad sometimes there's no time. Like when things are almost back to normal again... it may be too late. And all that will be left are sweet memories and bittersweet regrets.
I also realized there's a fine balance between letting things be and being proactive. I agree with a certain gaybutt that people shouldn't try to force things because it somehow or other exudes the wrong intent and puts others off. So it may be better to let things float rather than go for a fixed exchange rate of interpersonal relations. Floating system allows the market of emotion balance go for auto-correction and allows one to pursue other complimentary policies such as fiscal studying, which shows sick correlation with an improvement in grades, which leads to an improvement in standard of living. Lolol.
However people may sometimes rationalize failing to be proactive as letting things be, and it's difficult to draw a distinction between rationalizing and actually letting things be. If you fail to be proactive at all you may lose opportunities when other people may actually be receptive to you. However, being too proactive can be constituted as forcing things and this puts people off. I guess it's just whether you can sense the other person is receptive or not, and the extent of being proactive. For example, sending an SMS once in a while to chat could be ok. SMS bombing the person every single day is pretty fucked up.
And apparently there also seems to be hidden social laws when it comes to SMSing. For example, the Von Steinenburg Guide to Inter-Gender Texting Communications has the following fine commandments:
1) Thou shalt not text a girl again if she does not reply, for it means she likely doesn't feel like replying for some reason. Texting again pisses the lady off.
2) Thou may put some emoticons into some SMSes, but not always and with great concentration. The lady may then think you are gay.
3) Thou shalt not reply an SMS if too much time has passed. Normally if n minutes is large, presumably 60-80. Some clueless ladies may however, be exempt from this rule and take n as 2-3 days.
4) As an aside, thou should never assume thou's SMS is read promptly because some ladies thoroughly defy convention and leave their phones turned off/ignored. These ladies should also know better because they are GIRLS. Tee hee hee!
Yep yep. I wonder how all this shit comes about/is constructed. Like we all seem to know these rules intuitively without really being told. Maybe I should have done my IS on whether Texting Knowledge is a priori or a posteriori, rather than something fucked up and soporific at the philosophical level, like love.
My mood has been fluctuating a bit lately. Like sometimes when I'm depressed/reminiscent I may be a bit too quiet. Other times I'm incredibly fucked up in a gaybutt way. I find that wandering the aisles of a fine bookstore such as Kino in the bad times does a lot for the emotional palate. Something about the calming influence of all that academia. It makes me feel at peace. So thanks to the fine proprieters of Kino for providing a non-excludable good. Though it's pretty ok now. The worst was a while back anyways.
That said I would like to thank some people for making this shit better when it does hit:
1) Teeheehee gang (includes a certain gaybutt too): For providing company when like studying and shit. Though my studying provides many positive externalities for the people around so it's a mutually beneficial arrangement. Still, the teeheeheeness of the conversation can always be a good distraction.
2) Gay buddies: For making me feel loved and wanted even though I actually like girls only. (Sorry Luke and Willy). Loo I count you even though your crappy British accent can't get shit out of me LOL. And I realize I still haven't paid you for prom so I'll do so on Monday. Hotdog I count you cause I nowhere else to put you. Yep.
3) Gelato: For providing sweet comfort at low-fat cost.
4) My DS: For providing a suitable distraction at home when I don't feel like doing much work. Until I get fucking owned by Lucifer for the 100th time, that is. I think it doesn't work on standby mode now. Is that a side effect of too much banging against the wall?
5) Me: Cause I'm so cool.
6) You: Because even though we can't always talk now, you've always been mostly sweet and understanding and somehow reply SMSes more promptly than me. But sorry cause I'm a guy. And I will never dao your SMS on purpose la (one and only person I don't dao). <3. And you won't read this so whatever. But I still miss talking to you in person and I better have the balls to once the stressful period is over.
Ok that's all. If I excluded (whoever) it's because you're a bitch. Or maybe I just forgot.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I certainly wasn't expecting the kind of talk that I had tonight. But I think I managed to get most of what I wanted to say out regardless, which is kind of a relief. It's strange how you can get your hopes dashed and fulfilled at the same time. So... hahaha. I don't really know. Maybe I hadn't fully let go until tonight. To give up hope is an easy thing.To give up regret and longing is another. And the process isn't fully over. From my experience you can never say with certainty that this is ended or whatnot. But that brings up a whole epistemological can of worms.
Short post tonight. I guess all I can say now is:
I'M GOING TO MAKE A START WITH MY BRAND N
Ok la. Serious. Kind of. Must find rebound now. Actually it wouldn't be a rebound because that period would probably occur during the mourning stages. New target then. But in all seriousness I don't know if I can like someone like that again for a long time. Possibly even during through NS (convenient cause I don't have to hit on my juniors). But that may not be a fair resolution because that sort of intensity of feeling would be like a 9/10 on the 'I love you' scale rather than the 6-7/10 for most relationships. So... whatever. Confusing sia.
So any guys/girls out there? Luke your birthday righttt. I give you late birthday gift soon ok? -winkwink-
Well. Considering that my class, or in particular some people in class are extremely fucked-up it's normal to have epic occurences such as accidentally exploding a cup of bubble tea. But I have to say that in this whole year, the event I'm about to describe is just freaking epic beyond words and takes the cake. Hell, it takes the bakery. Bear in mind that the following events occured on a PUBLIC BUS.
This afternoon, me, Mrs Von Steinenburg, and Rachel Kitty Tng were on a bus heading toward Beauty World. The former two were going for Econs tuition while the latter was along for the ride because she's short and likes to be around tall people to feel cooler. Or maybe she lives in that area. Anyway, there was this old guy in his sixties maybe sitting on the aisle seats while we were standing diagonally opposite him at the other aisle. He was like, looking at us for a while but we didn't notice at first.
After a fashion he starts saying very loudly in Chinese ''YOU HWA CHONG AH'. So we all look at it him and say politely 'Yep yep' and all that. Then he starts saying 'WHY YOU SO RUDE NEVER CALL ME AH GONG'. The whole bus was looking at us already so we were like 'ah ok ah gong' figuring he's some ex-HCI student trying to guai lan us. Then he goes somethin like 'YA GOOD I AH GONG U ALL HWA CHONG DO US PROUD'. So we figure that's the end of it and he's just like some exceptionally proud ex-student.
Unfortunately after another few seconds of looking at us he asks which one of the other two is my girlfriend and which one I'm going to marry. In that same. Loud. Tone. Then he suggested I marry both of them, before speculating to himself that because polygamy is no longer allowed, I should marry Mrs Von Steinenburg first and if she kicks the bucket I marry Tng. Then he went on to debate to himself how BRIDEWORTHY the two of them are. So today we learned that Mrs Von Steinenburg has a nice rosy complexion, looks exotic and has a nice figure aand that while Tng is small, petite and cute she's too slim and doesn't have childbearing hips.
So at this point we're trying to be polite while thinking of the best way to (1) judiciously ignore him (2) get off the fucking bus ASAP because now even the bus driver is probably listening in. The dude went on to display his chauvinistic tendencies by saying 'MEN NO. 1 WOMEN NO. 2' and telling the two ladies to learn to obey whoever they do get hitched to. So again we politely pretend to agree and then he suggests that if they are 'disobedient' I should 'spank their bottoms'. Tng didn't get it at first so when Claire told her what he said in her teeheehee voice she went fucking squealy and omg.
At this point some HCI and RJ dudes sitting behind us kindly inform us that he does this to like, every teenage group that he sees on this bus and that he tried to hit on one of the RJ girls in the past. As a sidenote the HCI dude is the top in level in Econs so he's one of the fuckers who beat mel. Cheebye. But that's not the point.
So he goes on to address me and say that while I look like a nice decent guy I should learn to control the other two like a good Hwa Chong man. He then repeatedly asks me which one I'm going to marry. Then he starts commenting that Mrs Von Steinenburg is his preference because of aforementioned rosy complexion and whatnot, and mentions this to some poor MGS suckers who have just boarded this bus of shame and craziness. At this point Tng does the most fucking sensible thing and sneaks away to sit with the top in Econs dude because you know, he's cooler and he isn't in the line of fire. The old dude then starts hitting on Mrs Von Steinenburg for the remainder of the trip while telling me to get hitched to her as soon as possible despite me informing him repeatedly that she's already accounted for. At one point he stands up goes up and looks her up and down before hitting on her again and almost looks like he's going to touch her face, which was freaking traumatizing for her at first but fucking lol in hindsight.
Finally we reach our destination after what seems like a fucking eternity and he's still switching between hitting on Mrs Von Steinenburg to telling me that I should be a manly man and discipline all my women sternly and that I should get hitched and fulfil the government's goals of increasing fertility rate. Tng is hiding under her seat I think. Mrs Von Steinenburg and I escape and notice as we get off the bus that he's switching his attention to the poor hapless MGS girls who are unfortunately in his field of vision. We laugh like fuck all the way from the bus stop to Beauty World and then are unable to properly talk for five minutes after that.
Ok my words may not exactly do justice to how fucking epic/hilarious/LOL/traumatizing that was.So just imagine about 10-15 minutes of that, and the old dude saying all that shit in Chinese which somehow makes it worse with about a 500 decibel tone.
Fucking epic.
Mrs Von Steinenburg suggests that we take the same bus again next week for a continuing weekly doese of hilarity and epicness.
And every moment of every day, the clock keeps ticking. And winding down. And suddenly what seemed like a pretty damned long time coming is just around the corner, and you're floundering in the inevitability of it all.
I just realized that that describes the process of preparing for Prelims to a T. But that's not what I was really referring to.
Sometimes you only start to really think when the timer's almost at zero. About a year's worth of regrets and fumbles, and sheer, sheer stupidity. I have the wonderful (and gay) gift of woman's intuition, so I can usually figure out what most girls think. So why not you? Or maybe it's that I could read you, just that I refused to.
Most people commit gaffes like that some point in their lives when it comes to stuff like this. But they usually have a chance to rectify it in the future. Unfortunately once December comes you'll be gone, and I'll never see you again save for some miraculous twist of fate.
I used to think that I had all the time in the world, that I could take everything slowly and it would be all right. But now it's August and there's still so much left unsaid. So much I still want to say. But can't. I remember when you still used to come up from behind me with a smile. Now we're little better than awkward acquantainces in person. Time erodes familiarity all too well.
And then it'll be Prom, and it'll be too late, save for one last meeting. And I'm sure you'll look as beautiful as the first day I met you.
You ever get the feeling that you've done everything wrongly, and wish that you could take it all back and start again?
I was talking to gaybutt and his equally gay wife the other day on the issue of how fucked-up people like us are assumed never to have feelings and whatnot and how some of us often like to keep it in most of the time as a result. More on that next time but I realized I've become more like that and sometimes it's not really a bad thing as long as you can handle it. Like for example the other day after our A10 sausagefest when all the other sausages had left I went to Kinokuniya because I wanted to think and have some me-time. So I spent an hour just looking through books and wandering the aisles, and an immense sense of peace came over me like I had finally found some equilibrium of an inner state. So it's pretty cool. Carthasis and all that. Or maybe sometimes I sit in the corner and.... I don't know. Cry? Unbecoming, I suppose. 'Cause boys don't cry.
And then maybe you feel that it could be alright. And that if God or FSM had a sense of humor/compassion he/she/it/they would let you see her again someday.
So I was going through my old blog today because I wanted to compare my genius then and now. I must say I didn't think it was possible for me to become more dope then but I've exceeded my own expectations. High-five! Here are some classic quotes from this writing camp I went to.
"I heard... you were a fag." (Me, to Wong Renjie)
"HEY DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET HIGH ON ICE CRE
"Hello, hello. I'm sorry to inform you, Mr Lee, that you have officially been certified as retarded."
"Ruzi I have Caller ID you f**king retard"
"Wow, she's going to kill us when she realizes we cut up all of her nice black paper into snowflakes because we were high. And where did you put her scissors?" (Me)
"Why in the world would you have two pencilboxes?"
"That one's my wallet." (Liang Hwei Teh Tarik)
"Your hand feels like chicken nuggets." (More nuggets (pun!!!) of wisdom from Teh Tarik)
"Wow, he's your boss? That's... sad." (Me to teacher)
"Yes, my friend, you spelled hammer wrong. Why are you in this English writing course for LINGUISTICALLY APT people again?"
"Yes, I am a social outcast. Wearing bright orange."
"I'm actually a non-conformist. Again, wearing bright orange."
"What are we going to do if the f**king montage takes more than 5 minutes to load?"
"Ah ha! A poetry recital!"
"We knew it would be hard... but we weren't retards..."
"Or we could... you know, just be gay on the stage."
"Looking out of the window, his worst fears were confirmed. In the background, juggling rifles, was CoCo the Clown." (from actual piece of writing)
"It's time for an intellectual conversation. I want to be Donald Trump, with the toupee and all." (Wong Renjie)
"That coat is soooooooooooooo not Armani! It lacks the distinctive sheen!" (Proof that Wong Renjie is gay)
"You look like a Christmas tree!" (Jia Jia Liang Teh showing she has no appreciation of fashion)
"That's three times you've banged me on that head with that exact same damn door, in two f**king days."
"Tee hee hee! I'm a bimbo! Cause I'm wearing an SCGS uniform!" (Rachel Tng)
Some of this shit is like... probably not fully the same as what was said. Lol.
And a nice old post of mine that still made me lol a bit. From Sec 3, I think?
L3t'5 t41k 4b0ut En9r15H... again
'Insurance trilogy ownzorz! Get a lfe, wanker! Go home and cry in peace, yo friggin shiz nit niggar! Paolini ownz ur arrse!'
Some minor nitpicks here:
I was not aware that ownzorz was actually a word. I assume that said poster actually meant 'owns', which also hovers dangerously on the border of l33tness.
lfe also does not exist in any sort of dictionary I know of, except in wild wet Jasperland. I assume poster meant life. In that case, poster should actually make an effort to type the i and spell it correctly, lest dandy gentlemen or genteelwomen who scrutinize his academically rigorous post in an attempt to classify it in a genre of dissent be put off by the less than perfect spelling.
Wanker. Firstly, how does said poster know that the object of his perceived insult actually wanks? Furthermore, define wank. Is it male of female? For all we know, the person insulted could actually be the Pope, and we all know he's celibate. At least, I think he is.
Yo friggin shiz nit. Is that supposed to be stereotypical street trash talk? Besides being an unauthorized dialect of le Queen's English, street trash talk is astoundingly limited, and the base vocabulary appears to be twisted from normal English. With that in mind, let's attempt to master this complicated language, with it's myriad 'n' consonants and so on.
'Heyo, daddy-o! The pimp just screwed up his friggin shittin chemmin testin, yo yo yo! He's sittin' in the corn', crying' liek a washed up piece of shittttttt.... I'm a hardcore rapper, yo!'
Fascinating.
Niggar. I assume said poster meant nigger, which is a derogatory, racially offensive word. Not only is the author attempting to stir up war between the races in such a deviously subtle fashion, he has also miraculously guessed the color of my skin, although potassium dichromate seems to have turned it slightly white. There's reduction for you. It's tested in O Levels by the way.
Ownz ur arrse. Nuff' said, daddy-o.
More genius from the land of constitutional rights:
'Ur teh noob! My pikachu is l33t h4xx0z!'
'What the fook. YU-GI-OH is TEH PWNAGE. MAGIC STNKS. STNKS. STNKS. UR ONLY HAVING 20 life, noobers.'
Sometimes I wonder how they became a superpower in the first place, if they can't even seem to master their language properly. And they look down on Asians, proclaiming us 'teh noobs' for being 'less than teh ownage' at 'teh roxx0rz' English. What an irony. Remind me why my English is worse than the Lvl. 100 Pikachu trainer from above.
There seems to be more and more dialects of le Queen's English sprouting up like Middle Eastern conflicts nowadays. In Singapore, we also have embarked on our very own phenomenon. Observe the sentence below, plucked from a real life Singaporean schoolgirl's blog, and take a gander at her l33t h4xx0rz command of this extremely mind-boggling linguistic achievement...
MiNe LuRbY bLoG:)``RmB To TaG b4 U LeAvE.``just shud up if u dun lyk miie_*``ZuOyInGgx__aKa LuRbYgErL__LuRb sOtOnG__po0h*``regret fer gettin so lousy fer psle..i hate my seats.
Moi HaD CHicKeNz, 2DaY, wEnt Liek, SHOPPIN witgh Hwei Hwei AnD OMG boGHT a hOt Red TOp for LieK, $10, Omg OMg!
Notice the similarity to street trash talk.
I recently lost an argument with a fairly nice Caucasian guy (at least he didn't call me teh niggarz) about English. I pointed out that Americans were fairly hypocritical, mocking us 'slanty-eyed' gooks for speaking broken English, but need I point out that we are proficient, to some small degree, in Mandarin as well, or didn't they know that China is taking over the world? Mao forever. Back on track, I threw him some examples of stupid l33t squabbling in online forums, showcasing the ridiculousness of a bunch of arrogant fags attacking each other for possessing incoherent grammar when the attacking fag in question was saying things like, 'You is stupid, becourse your grammer sux.'
Then he throws the above in my face. How he surfed and hit that particular blog, I don't know, maybe he has a fetish for Singaporean girls? L33t h4xx0rz.
I ended up losing that argument, by the way.
Let's start the nitpicking:
Ignoring the smiley faces for the moment, we stumble upon the ingenuity of this new English dialect, most commonly used by 'too cool to trot' Singaporean schoolgirls, in an admirable attempt to be Cool!, though I must note that Hua Yu is also Cool!, and we all know how that is working out. But back to this new dialect. Notice that half of the letters have inexplicably been capitalized. Huh. Ah see, ah see. What flamboyant self-expression. However, it serves no real purpose, except for giving composition-marking teachers migraines and the like.
Debate for yourself. Are these half capitalized, half non capitalized discourses fishing retarded, or pure genius?
Moving right along, we see that the girl in question has cleverly made use of another apparent new Singlish trait: butchering perfectly fine words to form Cool! new ones to impress hot emo guys. We'll talk about the inexplicable schoolgirl fetish for emo dudes on another day. For now, let's discuss the practical implications of Lurby. I suppose that it sounds like Kirby. Anything else?
No. I didn't think so. It's don't have tur kwa one.
It better have meant love, by the way, because I shudder to think of other possibly translations.
RmB is short form, another amazing new Singlish technique. But why not just use a fascinating George Orwell creation, Newspeak?
Minitrue mark article doubleplusungood crimethink. Miniluv remake goodthink fullwise.
Much better. b4 is another short form, derived from l33t speak. Nothing new.
jus shud up if u dun lyk miee is a good example of butchering and short form in action. lyk replaces like, for instance, erasing a whole letter, thereby slowly eradicating the English language. Evil plot in motion?
The next sentence leaves me utterly boggled, with what appears to be a name, a proclamation of love for sotongs, aka squids, and underscores that probably embody some nefarious hidden meaning.
Not going to comment on the subject's PSLE results, but this is my guess:
Chinese A*
English F
Science D
Maths D
Higher Chinese: Distinction
But it's not fair. I mean, she was doing the papers in another LANGUAGE, for crying out loud.
Subject also apparently hates seats. Maybe she just likes sitting on the floor?
Okay, we've hit the cream of the crap. Moi? WHAT THE FISH IS MOI? Is it French? Polish? Czech? And what practical purpose does moi serve, except maybe fooling idiots into thinking the canteen's serving fondue today? Moi? Moi? This is one branch of new Singlish that I cannot comprehend.
The rest is typical schoolgirl ranting. Hot red tops for $10 are like OMG btw.
And we end off here. No ranting for me. The point seems to have fleshed itself out fairly well.
DICTIONARY WORD OF THE DAY
Genuflected
Twist at the knee, sort of like a bow of deference
I read this in Terry Goodkind, and thought it was some lewd act at first. Well, you learn a new word everyday. Great for summaries, and it reads like this when translated into hanyu pinyin:
Ga1 Ni1 Na1 Bu1
The mr Yellow show was brought to you by Nl Girlz Hot Rawrx Bloggin AsSoCiATion, in conjuction with NIGGAR HATERZ OF THE AMERCA CULT, a division of the KKK.
Somethings you pause in the midst of your hectic life and say to yourself: "Hang on, does this have any meaning at all?"
Seems that's a question that gets asked a lot more nowadays as we hurtle toward Prelims/A levels. Life just seems very meaningless and discolored. I've noticed a recent trend. If I hang around the class bench after school there's no one anymore. Not just my bench, but all around the school. Everyone's going home to mug their eyes out. Either that or there are a bunch of stragglers hanging around... and they're mugging away. Or maybe everyone's running away from me eh. Probaby not because (a) It is statistically improbable and (b) I'm freaking cool so most people, or at the very least a few breath mint poppers like to bask in my presence.
How do most of us find meaning in life? We've been doing existentialism in KI recently. The idea of it sounds cool but the content is really boring. On Thursday when TWJ went for reservist we had a recorded lecture... in which I fell asleep. And apparently Sir Pot was trying to get a mic recording of me snoring but failed. So midfin Sir Pot. Also the whole imagery of him positioned over my face is pretty disturbing and Borat-y. Imagine if I had woken up to the sight of two descending Golden Globes.
Anyway, the next day was Friday and we had an assignment based on our lecture. I had no idea what was going on because I had (a) fallen asleep and (b) usually don't know what's going on anyway. But that's OK because TWJ was still at reservist and we were doing it in the library. (Sounds sick). So I tried to listen to the goddamn lecture again and fell asleep again. So now I've fallen asleep to the same lecture twice. WTF.
I'm going to butcher Sartre's ideas now. Life has NO meaning. Makes me want to go jump off a building. However meaning in life is what we construct ourselves. If we feel there is no meaning in life then there isn't. We are the ones who give meaning to ourselves. This is slightly comforting and a whole lot more empowering. So depressed people are just depressed because they have nothing better to do/didn't get a reply to the nice sms they sent to whoever/got U for GP. But they can be happy about it! If they choose to. Or at least be happy about something.
I was actually feeling pretty shitty earlier on on Friday and that's why I had a super extended toilet break during Econs lecture. That and I listening to the limitations of NEER versus Floating Exchange Rate interspersed with jabs at Peanut Butter Boy made me want to beat my face in with a jackhammer. But I managed to get out of it by deciding that I WANTED to. Of course it's never that easy. But just wanting and knowing you can do something makes it a whole lot easier when you actually try to do it. And some small credit to pill-popper for being a jackass as usual, I suppose. And Tng's NUS card for the nice picture. It's amazing how they manage to butcher our photos when making student cards. It's like these people want to embarass the hell out of people/create a few more free laughs in the world.
I've been thinking more recently. Or at least I've slowed down/opened up to myself and allowed myself to think. Sometimes it's hard to think, let alone talk when there are a million other voices clamouring to be heard in a world full of voices and not enough listeners It drowns out your inner self. I've hardly talked to you this year, and almost never in person. You gave me meaning, or allowed me to construct meaning. And when you were gone for a while I lost that meaning. And it was my own fault because I was basically fighting myself and denying myself this meaning. And it seemed very hard to carry on/reach out but that was because I was frozen in a web that I had woven myself. Because it was easier to stay entangled than to know the truth for certain and then move on from there.
There's nothing much left for me now in that respect. But I can take what I have left, without expecting/hoping for more. Because inadvertantly, you made me grow, made me a stronger person. And this heart will never collapse for anyone else again. It's not the same as not giving your all for anyone ever again, just that when you do and you don't get much back, you'll still remain standing. People are only as weak as they choose to be.
Life is strange, isn't it? Or maybe it just is.
As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. -C.G Jung
Some people get scammed even when you try to tell them about another scam. Tsk tsk.
recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:
hey van
VAN: infantile says:
heyy :)
recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:
LOL
VAN: infantile says:
EH FUCK YOU LA RUIZI
lol wts.
recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:
enjoying it when you're not the butt of the scam eh
VAN: infantile says:
haha of course
recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:
i must give you credit for figuring it out within.... 2 min today
VAN: infantile says:
haha
saw your dp la
recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:
though when i saw your smiley reply i knew you were smoked for the moment
VAN: infantile says:
dead giveaway
LOL
recherche ) that's what you get for believing says:
if i changed to her dumbshit kitten dp i bet you get owned
VAN: infantile says:
HAHA midfin
